What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 07:20
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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Who then, do I blame.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So whats the point in blame.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Was to survive, this bastard.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I think the readers, may guess!
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I was very sick at this time too.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What would be the lowest score with 9 strikes and no gutter balls?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Iusto et ipsum nesciunt est qui.
This is soul school!.
My family never makes their pension either.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Especially a lifetime of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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She wouldn,t have been !
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
When she asked me how she looked .
She married twice! .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Comes on , in middle age.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So, i spoilt her more .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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Put me off passion for life!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I write beautiful poetry .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She found it foreign!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot live in the past .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im still living with it.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it wasn’t much.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We all went to grammer schools
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Ive learnt so much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was seconnd youngest,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We were not on the streets..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I said to her
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I don,t even have a pension.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
All the time i was locked up.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She loved him until the end.
He knew the spot.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
(And it was in our own minds.)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I will be 64.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Would this be the day?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But, we were locked up after school.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i lived it daily.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i do to all so called friends.?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It was going to be , some day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was scared of men, in general
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
What did i know ?
I was 9 years of age.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I have no regrets .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was in good health!
My life is so biszare .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I waited trembling.